To be honest, the best way to get to know me is to get a better understanding of how I feel about everything and how I operate on a psychological level. This blog post in the following link is the best way to dive into my mind for those curious enough to read a wall of text:
Hello, first of all thank you for taking the time to read this, I go by the stage name Lana Rain (Bianca Cordisco) from Laval (Quebec). I am an entrepreneur, content creator and cosplayer. I decided to become a Cam girl as soon as I hit 18 as I’d been wanting to do for it years prior because I saw it as a fun opportunity to not only be able to do everything I wanted at once such as cosplay and Youtube but also go into an industry I thought had a lot of potential to grow not only as a business concept but to help society move forward and hopefully evolve(?) (not anytime soon, but I am thinking of the far future. I am thinking on a neurophysiological level, because after all, sex is primal.)
I pushed myself to start as soon as I could because I wanted to finally start something of my own instead of constantly just consuming things like anime and music because I wanted to escape feeling empty inside and help myself grow out of my disabilities (Social anxiety, Aspergers ect.) all while knowing I’d be able to slowly start to discover myself through doing what I love. My first Cam session ever was a complete disaster which almost made me decide to quit completely but after an entire day of contemplation I decided to try again and while the second time I barely got any tips, just the fact that I had 3 or 4 people interact with me all knowing that I was doing my best to fight my social anxiety gave me the inspiration to keep going.
By the end of the month I had about $400 which to me at the time was the most amazing feeling since I had never had an allowance (not even for lunch money). I was quickly forced to move out after 3 months because my mom found out about my camming by looking through my laptop when I was wasn’t around. She wasn’t exactly happy about it so I ran away the following day with 4 huge luggage bags all by myself to NYC. It was a really horrifying experience because I had barely traveled ever in my life let alone by myself to a completely different country. I was allowed to stay at my friend’s moms place till I got myself an apartment but that meant not being able to make an income until then because people were always around the house.
I had 10k to my name with no pay stubs, tax returns or anywhere near enough for 6 months down which meant getting a place in NYC was almost near impossible. Luckily after a month of searching and getting turned down by countless realtors, one was guy was nice enough to give me a shot at the building right next door to where I was staying. It wasn’t exactly the safest or cleanest place to live by any means but I was just happy to finally have a place of my own.
Living on my own was really scary because I had just pushed myself into a situation completely spontaneously, I didn’t have any discipline with things as simple as cleaning but now suddenly I was expected to maintain this lifestyle. I was deathly afraid of being homeless so I worked 15 hours a day. With only a couch that my friend’s mom had lent me, I would cam with no lights (Which drastically ruined my viewer count) I had no bed or basic house necessities, What made things even more nightmarish was that the place was literally crawling with roaches, I think that apartment was on the market because it was the room with the biggest roach problem in the entire building, they would cover the entire door of one my closets, I basically couldn’t own any pantry food or have plates in the cupboard. If i wasn’t so pressured to make something happen I would have been crushed by the utter nightmares I was living in.
The ceilings were also very short which made the entire thing feel more claustrophobic, finding inspiration was really hard because I thrive on the environment that I live in to be decorated, its a very personal and important part of my personality to want things to look a certain way if I occupy the space. No matter how many posters or decals I tried to put up it was always the same feeling panic and despair. What made things extra hard for me was that I actually hated how I use to look, because of the lack of readily available food in my house and my mom being a baker made it really easy to skip two meals and binge on a bunch of cookies, so I was trapped in a cycle of sweets addiction and craving because it was how I lived my entire life.
Changing my diet was really hard because I was so used not have any discipline when it came to food, if i saw it and wanted it i was scourge it down, I didn’t know anything else, almost like a survival mechanism at that point from all the starving. All of this made it really hard for me to even want to cam in the first place because the idea of selling a product I didn’t believe me killed me on the inside, Having people judge me and perceive me was not the image I wanted people to project onto me, I would avoid getting fully naked to compromise with my self-hatred. So getting up everyday and camming was really hard for me, plus on top of all of that I had zero social skills accompanied with Aspergers which made me really awkward and having nothing interesting to talk about, i would often just sit there and shyly just respond to questions. Plus not liking how I looked made it hard to try to be perfect in any other aspect of my career, but I pushed through everything with one image in mind of beautiful my life would be If i can overcome this, there was nothing there for me in Montreal so I had to succeed. I had realized very early on that ultimately cosplay was what I really wanted to do but I wasn’t going to make money off that so I had to be patient especially with absolutely no knowledge on cameras,makeup or how to add little details to perfect the outfits. I knew that I had to branch away from just being a ”camgirl” but with no experience its hard to properly visualize.
Manyvids was a breakthrough for me because I see myself more of a artistic content creator rather than an entertainer, my happiness thrived on making art.
I was finally able to put my love of cosplay into a working successful way to money plus the overall functions of the site made it a lot easier for find ways to make more money, I was finally somewhere I was somewhat in my element. I Really have to also thank them for giving me a chance because my ID was expired at the time and I couldn’t do anything to get a valid one because my immigration process wasn’t finished, which was another massive stress on mind. I paid a large sum of money to find a lawyer I knew for sure that I could trust to make this work no matter what but it wasn’t a easy decision to make because money was a struggle at the time.
How my boobs looked also was a huge deal to me because I grew up with the kind of skin that is way to malleable and soft that it couldn’t support the weight of how boobs were supposed look, so I got surgery done early on. However the surgeon had told me that my boobs were actually naturally to high so she had to preform a really complicated surgery where she had to stretch out skin to add volume there which she apparently was not qualified to do because I had complications with that for an entire year. It got the point where I got desperate and did the most extensive research to find the best Surgeon in NYC, he successfully fixed the problem and made my boobs like amazing BUT i got really unlucky and decided to get them done when they were in the process of using this failed technology that was a mesh to hold them in place under my skin but unfortunately it started giving me a really bad infection on both boobs, so when I finally thought I was in the clear I had to keep wearing bandages and going on with scars, I’ll tell you it didn’t feel nice to have to re-explain everyday as to way my boobs always had band-aids on them. At first we werent sure what the problem was so the surgeon trying to disinfect it which never worked, it took use an entire year to realize that’s what needed to be done but at that point the mesh was already embedded into my skin, I had to go through a process where he cut my open while I was awake to save money on anesthesia, i literally smelled my own burning flesh was very unpleasant. Not having perfect breasts to show off whenever I wanted was a really really really hard thing to do as sex worker im sure you could imagine, so because of that and the fact that I hated getting fully naked really skewered my audience. What made things EVEN worse me is that the previous surgeon had preformed Lypo on my tummy to add fats to the boob but my skin didn’t heal properly so I was basically doomed with the fact that even if i was getting skinnier it would never show on my waist.
I felt completely soul crushed for a very long time but giving up was not an option because I couldn’t succeed at this then what kind of miserable average life was waiting for me? The idea of settling and working at a dead end job was scarier to me than anything I was going through, Id rather grind through the hardships and unfortunate circumstances of life then give up on myself, i knew what it felt like to just sitting around on my computer for hours, binging anime and games. I hated the feeling, I hated it more than anything I absolutely could not go back to that.
Another soul crushing moment for me was when my kitten Creampuff passed away, i thought the world was ending but I had to keep going. The last memory I have of her was her lying down on my pillow facing me with her little paws on my face and then I wake up and shes gone. At some point I was literally just thinking that the universe wanted me to be unhappy, did I deserve this? Its consistent with how unfortunate my life was back at home to so maybe I’m just destined to live a life like this. Those were the dark moments that I had to overcome while slowly being on the brink of losing it.